On Growing Old
Was just reading an article by Khushwant Singh in his book " Not a Nice Man to know".
The article was titled "ON OLD AGE".
When KS passed away at 97, there were a lot of jokes on the media comparing his 97 to the 92 years that the great yoga teacher Ayyengar lived.
However , all jokes about his Geriatric merits apart- he does coin some nice acronyms related to advanced age and also few expressions with various disabilities that follow old age.
He makes such a casual fun of his own auditory disabilities, bowel and urinary movements that it sounds so matter of fact.
He also has advice for those growing old. He tells them to come to term with it and don't expect to have their children and grandchildren around themselves 24x7.
In fact that is the topic that I have been trying to broach for a very long time.
I see innumerable posts on FB and whatsapp everyday ,where the people advise others about looking after their APs (ageing parents). There are others who put up photos trying to raise some emotions.
Firstly, it is incorrect to advise people about their personal matters. It is not same as liking photos of gods and goddesses .
But more importantly it is the ageing parents and we ourselves who have to take care of ourselves.
We need to get a bit more introvert or inwardly seeking. Start living our lives by our own standards and for ourselves.
As Khushwant Singh says, if you are too old to do things for others, then start doing for yourselves.
Live correctly by your standards and what makes it more fulfilling for you, not what is considered as the ideal way.
It's nice to get up early go for walk, go to gym , yoga etc etc. But if you would rather avoid everyone and sit down and write, listen to music, paint- so be it. The outcome of Vipassna as I have understood so far is to keep observing yourselves internally and objectively for all the vast mount of changes happening at microscopic level. Now whether those changes are giving you pleasure or pain- just be unaffected by them and stay as an observer. This philosophy works very fine for the old and ageing. They do not give into the physical discomforts of their ailments and just accept them as matter of fact.
However, what has happened in our country has been quite unfortunate.
In the garb of family values, we have sacrificed our own lives for our parents and children alike.
We did not save anything for our old age sustenance. We assumed that our children will look after us and earned for them instead of ourselves. Had we brought our children up in an independent atmosphere and taught them to work for themselves and earn for themselves- they would have been independent and also proud of us about the fact that we were enjoying our old age.
We collected money to pass onto our children.We built house so that our sons could stay with us and in turn took away the virtue of self reliance from them.
We never gave any credence to independent thought or views.Everyone had to be guided by the collective wisdom and independent greed. It was impossible to think that any of the family members would go against the entire imaginary family value.Life was designed as per the Hindi movies of 40's and 50's.
We wanted our children to get educated and get good jobs but stay near us.
The marriage of the children and their better halves were considered a family property.
This could have and did work fine when the family had common business or means of earning.But even there it had long started falling apart as one or two of the children would start riding the bandwagon.
So could we say that it was actually the refusal of the patriarch which brought the bad times on. Had he taught independent endeavor to all of the offspring it could have taught him self reliance too. What he had done for his own parents in different ear and conditions , he expected from his own children 30-40 years down the line.
It was this expectation that was the crux of all miseries and self pity that we saw and continue to see.
So what is the need of the hour ?
WE all have to think about it!
Living with grace and dignity is the ultimate goal I think.
This grace and dignity will not come by simply wearing white clothes and sitting pretty- even though that will be a part of the drill. Personal hygiene and pleasant countenance will be important to start with.
Next comes a good accommodation which they must plan before hand.Whether it will be community or singular- that must be planned beforehand. The old age homes abroad are almost Five Star hotels with doctors and nurses on round the clock standby. Here we need to create those facilities. There are a few already but cost a bomb and may not be for even the upper class.
But more than the facility is a long term preparation that the seniors have to prepare in keeping themselves to themselves.
The Indian scriptures recommend Vanprastha from the age of 50. Which means the begining of withdrawal from active social life. It may not be a great idea as most of the populace actually wakes up to worldly life after 50. But the stress is on giving the children a free hand in managing their affairs. Do not meddle and wait for your opinion to be asked. This again is so difficult to imagine in the Indian milieu where the parents are ready to live the life of their children and their spouses.
In the present context where the children are going away to different cities and countries , can they really be expected to do anything more for the parents and grandparents back home. When they head back home for 1-2 weeks of their annual leave- what can they really contribute to the well being of the latter.
At this time it becomes imperative that the seniors try to welcome them into their lives and make the children feel instead- that they are well and capable of taking care of themselves. This will remove any guilt that the children will be having in their hearts. This will also help the children to become confident themselves about their own future life. They will also be able to gauge the actual requirement and expectation that their parents might have from them.
I think the time is ripe when in the common interest, parents let the children know that their life earnings are for their own comfort and remaining life. This will propel the children to exert on their own and become better achievers. A small help now and then may not be out of place but broadly it always must be one unto himself or herself if you want to keep your self esteem intact.
Instead of their own children.. the seniors must cultivate their neighbors and young people around. Help them during their own active life. Set up support and self help groups. This might- just might ease their own life later on. You help others and maybe the system you set up will help you back.
Setting up chain of procedures to be recalled in case of medical emergencies ( phone nos of doctors, hospitals with insurance cards must be kept ready and handy for helpers to find). Keeping some cheques signed for fixed amounts and keeping either of spouses aware of them are some practical things that need to be done.
Finally the most touchy topic. Death- the ultimate reality. We must all be holistically and objectively aware of it . They must ease the last rite procedures so that even the neighbors can follow it as per their written desires.
The idea of my writing this piece is to effect that essential change in mindset.
We can never blame others for our condition; not even god.
But whether to derive sympathy or just to comfort our own being- we do exactly that- delve in self pity. This has to stop.
Was just reading an article by Khushwant Singh in his book " Not a Nice Man to know".
The article was titled "ON OLD AGE".
When KS passed away at 97, there were a lot of jokes on the media comparing his 97 to the 92 years that the great yoga teacher Ayyengar lived.
However , all jokes about his Geriatric merits apart- he does coin some nice acronyms related to advanced age and also few expressions with various disabilities that follow old age.
He makes such a casual fun of his own auditory disabilities, bowel and urinary movements that it sounds so matter of fact.
He also has advice for those growing old. He tells them to come to term with it and don't expect to have their children and grandchildren around themselves 24x7.
In fact that is the topic that I have been trying to broach for a very long time.
I see innumerable posts on FB and whatsapp everyday ,where the people advise others about looking after their APs (ageing parents). There are others who put up photos trying to raise some emotions.
Firstly, it is incorrect to advise people about their personal matters. It is not same as liking photos of gods and goddesses .
But more importantly it is the ageing parents and we ourselves who have to take care of ourselves.
We need to get a bit more introvert or inwardly seeking. Start living our lives by our own standards and for ourselves.
As Khushwant Singh says, if you are too old to do things for others, then start doing for yourselves.
Live correctly by your standards and what makes it more fulfilling for you, not what is considered as the ideal way.
It's nice to get up early go for walk, go to gym , yoga etc etc. But if you would rather avoid everyone and sit down and write, listen to music, paint- so be it. The outcome of Vipassna as I have understood so far is to keep observing yourselves internally and objectively for all the vast mount of changes happening at microscopic level. Now whether those changes are giving you pleasure or pain- just be unaffected by them and stay as an observer. This philosophy works very fine for the old and ageing. They do not give into the physical discomforts of their ailments and just accept them as matter of fact.
However, what has happened in our country has been quite unfortunate.
In the garb of family values, we have sacrificed our own lives for our parents and children alike.
We did not save anything for our old age sustenance. We assumed that our children will look after us and earned for them instead of ourselves. Had we brought our children up in an independent atmosphere and taught them to work for themselves and earn for themselves- they would have been independent and also proud of us about the fact that we were enjoying our old age.
We collected money to pass onto our children.We built house so that our sons could stay with us and in turn took away the virtue of self reliance from them.
We never gave any credence to independent thought or views.Everyone had to be guided by the collective wisdom and independent greed. It was impossible to think that any of the family members would go against the entire imaginary family value.Life was designed as per the Hindi movies of 40's and 50's.
We wanted our children to get educated and get good jobs but stay near us.
The marriage of the children and their better halves were considered a family property.
This could have and did work fine when the family had common business or means of earning.But even there it had long started falling apart as one or two of the children would start riding the bandwagon.
So could we say that it was actually the refusal of the patriarch which brought the bad times on. Had he taught independent endeavor to all of the offspring it could have taught him self reliance too. What he had done for his own parents in different ear and conditions , he expected from his own children 30-40 years down the line.
It was this expectation that was the crux of all miseries and self pity that we saw and continue to see.
So what is the need of the hour ?
WE all have to think about it!
Living with grace and dignity is the ultimate goal I think.
This grace and dignity will not come by simply wearing white clothes and sitting pretty- even though that will be a part of the drill. Personal hygiene and pleasant countenance will be important to start with.
Next comes a good accommodation which they must plan before hand.Whether it will be community or singular- that must be planned beforehand. The old age homes abroad are almost Five Star hotels with doctors and nurses on round the clock standby. Here we need to create those facilities. There are a few already but cost a bomb and may not be for even the upper class.
But more than the facility is a long term preparation that the seniors have to prepare in keeping themselves to themselves.
The Indian scriptures recommend Vanprastha from the age of 50. Which means the begining of withdrawal from active social life. It may not be a great idea as most of the populace actually wakes up to worldly life after 50. But the stress is on giving the children a free hand in managing their affairs. Do not meddle and wait for your opinion to be asked. This again is so difficult to imagine in the Indian milieu where the parents are ready to live the life of their children and their spouses.
In the present context where the children are going away to different cities and countries , can they really be expected to do anything more for the parents and grandparents back home. When they head back home for 1-2 weeks of their annual leave- what can they really contribute to the well being of the latter.
At this time it becomes imperative that the seniors try to welcome them into their lives and make the children feel instead- that they are well and capable of taking care of themselves. This will remove any guilt that the children will be having in their hearts. This will also help the children to become confident themselves about their own future life. They will also be able to gauge the actual requirement and expectation that their parents might have from them.
I think the time is ripe when in the common interest, parents let the children know that their life earnings are for their own comfort and remaining life. This will propel the children to exert on their own and become better achievers. A small help now and then may not be out of place but broadly it always must be one unto himself or herself if you want to keep your self esteem intact.
Instead of their own children.. the seniors must cultivate their neighbors and young people around. Help them during their own active life. Set up support and self help groups. This might- just might ease their own life later on. You help others and maybe the system you set up will help you back.
Setting up chain of procedures to be recalled in case of medical emergencies ( phone nos of doctors, hospitals with insurance cards must be kept ready and handy for helpers to find). Keeping some cheques signed for fixed amounts and keeping either of spouses aware of them are some practical things that need to be done.
Finally the most touchy topic. Death- the ultimate reality. We must all be holistically and objectively aware of it . They must ease the last rite procedures so that even the neighbors can follow it as per their written desires.
The idea of my writing this piece is to effect that essential change in mindset.
We can never blame others for our condition; not even god.
But whether to derive sympathy or just to comfort our own being- we do exactly that- delve in self pity. This has to stop.
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